there was a pregnant lady that fell down and was in a coma for 5 months...over this time she gave birth to twins.... her brother named bubba named the kids..... when she woke up, she asked why she wasnt pregnant and was givin the news that her brother bubba named the kids....she was scared..... she asked what was the name of the daughter....... bubba named her denise...... the mother was like..ok thats fine i couldnt believe bubba was that smart...... she asked what he named the boy...... the doctor said that bubba named him danephew......



b

About 50 blonds walk into a bar chanting "39 days, 39 days". One of them walks up to the bartender to order a round. The bartender asks "why are you celebrating, what happened in 39 days?" The woman replys "we just finished a puzzle, and on it, it said 3+ years, but we finished it in only 39 days!"

How do you stop teenagers from getting through doors?

With an inpubescent seal

Who do you put in charge of a 1:100 building?

A scale ruler.

Why was the contractor's parcel sore?

Because it was a tender package.

Why did the architect's lack of money mean he couldn't move a column?

Because he couldn't budge it.

Which Irish woman invented a new way of accessing a garden terrace.

Patty O'Doors.

What do you get if you take eight times longer to hit a golfball at a young sheep than if you managed a hole in one on a golf course?

A laminate.

Who removes the directions from the insides of buildings?

An interior de-signer.

Why was the old piece of bread so highly valued?

Because it was classically moulded.

How did the stair joiner know he was close to being in trouble for his stair-making?

He was told to tread carefully.

What do door and window manufacturers spread on their toast?

Jamb.

Where are you getting these from?!

Why did the contractor falling over necessitate relaying the foundations?

Because he lost his footing.

Which historian was knighted for bringing stair components to site?

Sir Banister Fetcher.

What is it that keeps a roofing team together?

Trussed.

How do Eskimos stop rain getting in through their front door?

Weather seals.

Why was the roofing expert chasing the oyster?

Because it had a pearl in.

this one is good:

Why did the engineer have trouble making a well insulating jumper from the fleece of a sheep made of rock? (except for the obvious reasons)

Because mineral wool is no good in shearing.

what's a pirate's favorite pen?

a papermatey!

why did the pirate give his ship an extra coat of paint?

his timbers were shivering!

what's a pirates favorite class system?

aaaarrrrristocrats!

what's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?

the aaaarmy! NO! the navy, he's a pirate...

Who be a pirate's least favorite Van Halen singer?

Sammy Hagarrrrr!

ha ha, damn dude!

just itchin' to break a mil, huh!?

me: so, did you see that new pirate movie?

you: pirates of the caribbean?

me: no, the one that's rated arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

how much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

a buccaneer

What has 8 arms and 8 legs?

8 Pirates!

why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep?

because he left it off the hook!

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Fred and Ethal both live in a nursing home. Every day Fred sits alone at dinner and mopes. Ethal feels bad for Fred and one day sits next to him. She asks him why he always sits alone and mopes at dinner, to which he replies "I was married to the most wonderful woman for 45 years. I lost her last year to cancer. My kids put me here 3 weeks after she died, and I've just been lonely ever since."

Ethal asked, "Well, what do you miss most about your wife?"

Fred, "Well, she used to take my manhood out and hold it every night while we were falling asleep."

Somewhat flustered, but feeling very sympathetic Ethal took out Fred's manhood and held it under the table for the rest of dinner.

Fred and Ethal began sitting together at dinner every night for the next 6 months. Every night Ethal would unzip his pants, take out his manhood and hold it until dinner was over.

Then one day Ethal was walking in the garden and she caught Fred sitting with Rosemary. To make matters worse, Rosemary was holding Fred's manhood. Ethal pretended not to see them and went back to her room feeling very hurt.

That night at dinner Ethal confronted Fred.

"Fred, I have something to tell you. I saw you and Rosemary in the garden today. I just want to know what Rosemary has that I don't."

Fred replied, "It's simple, Ethel. Parkinson's."

What's brown and sticky?











...A stick!

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Baptist minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What the hell is this, a joke?"

So two turtles are walking through the desert searching for water. After a few hours of wandering they come across a coke bottle. Excited about the find, one of the turtles rushes to the bottle, climbs up and begins to twist the top. A few minutes go by and the turtle realizes his arms are useless in opening the bottle. "We're out of luck," he says "we're just going to have to keep walking to find water." "Hold on a second," the other turtle replys. "I remember seeing a bottle opener about a mile back. You stay here and guard the coke bottle while I walk back to get it. It shouldn't take too long and we'll be saved." "Really?" says the first turtle. "Okay I'll wait here."

So off to find the bottle opener goes the second turtle while the first turtle stands guard. So an hour goes by without the sign of the second turtle. Then two hours. Soon it's night fall and no sign of the bottle opener or the turtle. One day turns to five and a week turns into two. Finally, after waiting two weeks for his friend and the bottle opener, the first turtle realizes the end is near. If he doesn't get a drink of water soon, he is sure to die. Who knows what happened to the other turtle. Walking back something could have happened to him or possibly he found some water on the way. Whatever happened, the first turtle needed a drink soon. So out of desperation, the first turtle slowly climbs back up the coke bottle. Determined to open the bottle, he begins to twist the bottle top with all his might.

Then suddenly from beyond a dune, the other turtle's head pops up with him screaming "Wanna fuck with me?!?! I'm not even gonna go!"