2009 and I, A First Hand Conversation with The New Year

I- Hi 2009. Let's talk. Ne var, ne yok?*

(*Turkish way of saying 'what's up?' Translates as; what's there, what's not there? A completely brilliant inquiry in a hurry.)

2009- Ne olsun*... (*approx. means 'whatever is to be,' the equally and un-intriguingly dull answer to the brilliant inquiry.)

Let's talk in English! Are you hungry?

I- No thanks. Not yet... I meant, what have you for architecture in general.

2009- Right right, it is going to be interesting in that department. Mrs. 2008 and the years before her, have had some serious marketing campaigns and everything was promising big time. I mean, you could spray paint a shipping container and some magazine would put it on the cover and museum gigs would follow until it sold to some hi-end groupie as a second home on Surplus Islands... They thought it was a great business, and start to teach 'containeering' in airport hangars. Like the bumper sticker said, "shipping container is my co-pilot." That's cooled down now, so are the chewed gum blobs...

I- What!? Gum blobs?

2009- It burst. The blob impregnated chewing. You have to have the shape of the basketball to live in "all curve all the time" places. Roll n' Roll. Those 'fluid forms' still don't move. It sure makes everybody feel like instant sculptural masters though. They are mostly unsuitable for habitation.

Then came the Ecogeddon Megastructures©.

I- What are the Ecogeddon Megastructures?

2009- Floating condominiums, if you will, with wind tribunes glued on them. Cities in the middle of deserts, surrounded by defensible walls with 'sand cooling' apparatus underneath for the residents' genteel feet and some kind of green plant coming out every window and roof surface... Rendering after rendering... Pitch after pitch... They make instant museum shows. It is the Sci-Fi future anybody can click and paste... The kind of environment that you and your family can feel safe inside and/or high above, while poor people are blowing themselves up for food on the fringes below.

Anyway, I am bringing in a new, positive and interesting architectural movement.

I- How much interesting..? -> Architectural movement what? -> What is next?

2009- The question could be, 'what's old?' instead of 'what is next?' The word 'Old' really rings offensive with the current generation. They have a disdain for it. But, the first time in many years, young people are looking at the 'recent' cutting edge formalisms as tired old propositions of the past. This is very important to know... I mean, it is very recent that somebody, an architecture student, would look at a blog like suckerpunchdaily and say, "this stuff is so yesterday and boring." The lot is finally saturated and the work from this first decade of 21 st. Century has not sustained itself to the next stage. It is the first time, the young people, who are in their mid twenties having their own archives. Their first, "we did this in the past," things to look back to. They are moving on and getting old! Replacement people are more interested in immediate reality. Their canvas is not only the computer screen but the fieldwork as well. Theory to practice, anything that doesn't make the transition can rest in peace...

To most, it is more valuable to spend time cutting up some Sonatube, literally, and grow plants in them, built low income homes in areas where needed, understand economy, organize... These things are physically possible, creative, tangible and conceptually beneficial for survival. Comprehensive way to reconcile technology with reality. For so long and so called visionaries were mass-produced. Unfortunetely the idea and the environments of "The Future" became a "stylistic exercise." Many institutions and schools gathered few of these mass produced visions, called themselves unqualifyingly, "think-tanks." If you knew how to render, have a laser cutter and CNC machine handy, you made chewing gums titled, "this is future" and tried to explain them with buzzwords even yourself did not understand. Remember, by now, we were supposed to have flying cars between work and home, but in many places we don't even have decent municipal bus service yet, let alone electricity and sanitary water, food and medicine. Most products designed in this world are designed for people who have disposable cash. Just look at the shiny Christmas catalogs.

(Silence for few seconds...)

To answer your question; House cleaning is next. Using Pine Sol. 99¢ Stores carry it.

I- How do you know all this stuff?

2009- Boarding school Watson, boarding school!

I- Let's talk about something more interesting and positive... What is going to be the color of your choice?

2009- Positive Mimosa Yellow.

I- Food?

2009- Positively Soup. Mimosa soup. Get on the line..! Hahahha... Just kidding...

I- Would you be an urban farmer?

2009- Grow pot, live better. An ounce of marijuana worth year's supply of all the veggies you can eat. Do the math. It is also better than meth...

I- You're funny... What about the new US president?

2009- Everybody who voted for Obie expects a full time 'good job' from him. He must be getting resumes to fill up all the closets in the White House... He will be broke for a while, eating Domino's pizza in the Oval office and watching BFF Oprah lose weight. He needs to make people not love him so much... Get real man... Heh heh...

I- Mmmm... Get real... Do you recommend a philosopher for architects to pay attention in the absence of Derrida and Deleuze?

2009- Oh no...Who? Maybe... Alan Sokal, if not Peter Sloterdijk even though his croissant drawings bug me, I like his kynicism and Sokal's affair... They expose a lot of fallacies in different ways. But hey, architects still don't get it. The philosophers need the architects more than the architects need the philosophers. They, philoppies, love the crowds, attention, and women. Don't you wonder why most philosophers are men? Philosophers are always scared of religion because religions draw more crowds. So, they seek partnership with architects and buildings. Buildings usually don't have any religion. Nobody knows what "Dasein" means but everybody understands "Amen." Get it?

I- Why are you so big and influential and well paid?

2009- It is not easy to be a new year... I represent a lot of investments, consumer goods and capital gains as well as losses. Imagine how many products bear my name on them. 2009 model this 2009 model that. Year after year, 'my' people move many consumer products... Don't you want to buy 20 mega pixels new camera and dispose your 10 mp from last year. Picture of your butt will never be so large... Until next year, that is... By the way, all the designers go to work for 2010 after I punch-in. It starts to get quieter immediately after the New Years Eve for me. Kind of DOA situation.

I- One last question, Two Double 'O' Nine, what will you do for us this year?

2009- Look, I'll be gone in a year, smashed in Times Square, sort of public execution... While most of you still be around... So, just once for the fxxk's sake, ask yourselves what you can do for me instead of what I will do for you... Dammit! Here, have half of my sandwich before I change my mind...

I- Thanks! I just want to make you happy!

2009- G'boy... Catch...